How did I let so much time go by? The question I keep asking myself over and over today. It has been awhile since I written in my blog but I am not referring to amount of time that I haven’t written on my blog. Actually I am referring to the the amount of time I let my college writing requirement,well, undone. Now in I am stuck in a situation where I have to leave and can’t come back until its done somewhere else- Oh college how I love thee. I feel like I child because I put curtain things in front of education which I know I should have done but how can someone not be distracted by the feeling of freedom. All my life all I wanted to do was to go to college and can finally prove to everyone I am intelligent . So I can go against the stereotypes of being a latino women. I had so many dreams of leaving home and getting to really start my life. A life that was exciting and very different from the one room apartment in Oakland where my mother was scrapping by so my siblings can have a decent life. I knew college was the only opportunity for me to really leave and have a stable place to actually to start making that a reality. Although, I knew that in itself was going to be hard because even though all my teachers thought I was very intelligent , I just wasn’t a good student. Not to say that I just didn’t try to be a good student. Since there was there was a lot of “She is very nice,engaged in class but she really needs to concentrate on her work.” My mother had no idea what my teachers meant so all my mother could do was yell at me and say “nimodoes salte de la escula y ponte a trabajar/ Oh well quit school and go to work”. I don’t blame her though because there is a lot of misunderstanding in the Latino community on the issue of learning disabilities. I tired, I really tried to get to college and even though it wasn’t with my fullest potential I still made it. Although now I am back in the old cycle but the only difference I living my dream but its not going the way I expected. I underestimated how much the pressure and freedom of college would really affect me. Before I even started school they had me taken test for my placements and of course they all said the same thing, “Not ready for college level courses need to take basic courses.” So I started at the most basic level, which there is nothing wrong with that, but I felt so lost feeling that I am not meant for this and this all a mistake. Feeling like an imposter among the thousands around me thinking that I can make it all four years. The pressure was so great that my depression came back and I needed to withdraw from my classes including a required course for writing. At the same time I conflicting with the feeling of freedom I never had in my young life. Growing up with a family where as a women you need to take care of not only the home but everyone from your husband to the children I was infatuated with the feeling of only needing to relay and care for myself. A selfish kind of statement but a selfishness very few women really can experience. I had time I kept telling myself as I whipped the frustrating tears off my face. I can do it I just need keep going I will be fine eventually. Right? Can a tri-lingual young woman from single parent low income home who is struggles with ADHD,chronic depression, imposter syndrome can come back form this? When the reward is getting my freedom back and possibly the life that I not only deserve but earned. If it took me 13 years to reach my college dream then 3 months is nothing to make sure I keep following that dream. I just took the road less traveled by.
Home has never been a single place for me because I have to moved a lot in my life for a verity of reasons. Although, saying home is now more confusing than ever because now I have the first world privilege of having more than one home. My family, originally from Guatemala, left their only home because of discrimination of being Mayan. At the time the government wanted their homeland for agriculture and this caused civiI war.I was born after the civil war that left many of my people with nothing but the clothes on their backs.So when one is faced with the life poverty many are left with the only choice of immigrating to “better country”. So I left my first home,even though I do not remember, for a new home. I grew up in Oakland,California for most of my child hood but when whenever you arrived my small apparent you could see,smell, and hear Guatemala. So it felt like I never left my home even though I was thousands of miles away. However, now in college when people ask me “are you going home” I have to ask “which one”.The problem arises of where is my home? For now it is my five person person apartment in Santa Cruz but on holidays it is my five person apartment in Oakland. I am glad to go home this weekend to celebrate Mother’s Day, my baby brothers second birthday and see my grandfather who is visiting form Guatemala for the first time. I learned that no matter what you call home for me it is not a place you go for shelter but the memories you create that have a deeper meaning that make you feel at peace, belonging and love. In the end that is all that matters to me and I am very grateful to have this privilege in my life.
How many times have you said the word love today? What do you love?I have list that can go on forever that I can say “I love” this or that but in this video this poet speaks about doing a very simple task of looking at yourself in the mirror and saying a very simple phrase ” I Love You”. The word love is not difficult to say but the “you”,taking her one year to finally truthfully accept herself and say those simple words. It is hard to understand why as humans who are compassionate and caring toward others are not able to do that for themselves. It is because we are taught a very young age not to be selfish and vain or society telling us we need change every feature of ourselves that looks different until we look like the images that are persevered as acceptable. But is it such a crime to want to appreciate yourself when you know you have a million flaws. She does make the point of if you can say those words to others or things how can you love be true if you do not love yourself? Love needs a source. The best way to describe this is her metaphor of the tree. As she said the tree needs base in the roots in order to grow. Although in order to grow in needs a seed and if that seed is not plated then it can’t grow. As I watched this video I was eating up every word she said as if they were like fresh cookies baked out of the oven until I reached the very end and I had to face the truth. It took her one year to say one simple phrase that most of us say everyday to our family,friends or even food-especially food- but most people were unable to say to themselves. I looked in the mirror and I realized that this is not the girl I feel in love with one year ago. No, this was a girl is lost, stressed and unconventional. Then that is when I realized that my tree needed water,sun and of course love because I am not the same girl anymore. I needed to find myself again in this crazy new forest called college(My campus is in fact in the middle of the forest) . I don’t love myself but I am willing to get to know who this new girl is. I can all ready tell this is new girl is worth falling in love with
and will turn into a beautiful relationship. It just starts with a simple “Hello”.